When I was a child, even as I progressed in age, up to a certain age, I was totally clueless. So ignorant that I was unabashed for the most part. Forward, honest and easily got caught up in language, stalled because I took things at what to me then, were face values.
I debated some things simply because I was snagged in the quagmire of things said, speech. It was a simple and uncomplicated life. But with everything I debated, the cocoon of protection from the protocols of this world would begin to be dismantled.
Conflict and therefore complexes began to accrue.
I developed a great sense of self consciousness. Little did I know but this had a lot to do with the Dualistic existence I must endure under my fallen nature (soul/body individual).
All I knew was that I was experiencing much discomfort under the public eye, should I feel the focus of attention upon me. In school especially this became a vexation, in recitation, or answering a question, a sense of self consciousness which impeded the simple tasks, while under scrutiny.
Life was a lot more simple in the streets for me. A little imbibing here and there, and the fighting were chances for approval, acceptation. And the sets (lights dimmed, slow and fast dancing music, youths gathered) became a place with little threatening to disclose my indisposition.
But all the time the consciousness of this new thing (discomfort when under scrutiny, complexes, frailty) made itself known as a thing I must face. Yet it was a whole lot easier to just ignore it, however, the threat of its existence, permanency, ready to strike, should a discomforting situation arise, grew in power, in ominousness, should I continue to ignore it.
And so, when triggered by an association immediately, panic would set in and make me useless, under the pressure of the public eye. In the streets this world was under a different sanction for me (I will explain more in depth, likely in part two).
So I made this prayer. It was by all human accounts a crazy prayer. Me asking God for something…
The God I argued with so often. I fought with Him constantly, and told Him that He did not exist.
“Lord, this one thing I ask, this one thing Lord; “To be able to perform in front of folks.” Nuts, huh, funny. For me performing was supposed to be a natural thing. Just to function, carry out simple functions. Talk, explain my thoughts without fear, self consciousness.
All this discomfort I can easily explain today, but back then it was a rigamarole of a puzzle, a vexation.
It was then that I began to study psychology, and yes I was led down a load of blind alleys. But yes, when I came to Christ, little by little I was able to make sense of the human predicament.
We are at 450 words so, for your sake we will return to part two in the next day or so….
Thank you, sincerely; MAO
I can be reached at email@example.com, and
https://firstname.lastname@example.org, and at face book as Miguel Angel Oquendo, And at
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